Atticted Too
by Beatlebug
Summary: Sequel to Atticted. A year has passed. Sirius and Remus are still together. Missions for the Order leaves them little time together. Cracks are starting to form in their relationship. Then something awful happens.. Will Remus be strong enough to fight for what he wants? Rated M for M/M action, violence and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! So.. Welcome to the Atticted sequel that I so very cleverly named Atticted Too. Get the double entendre there? Love it. Either way, welcome! Story can be read without reading Atticted first, but I very much recommend to do that though. It's bloody amazing, that's why. Either way. Here we go!**

**Summary:**

**It has been one year since that dreadful night of torture and reuniting. The Wizarding World is at war. People are dying and hiding. The Order of the Phoenix has its hands fill. Life isn't getting easier for anyone, lovers, parents and friends. Well.. Read and see.**

**Warning:**

**Rated M for m/m, language and violence.**

**Downer: Don't own the characters. Just the plots.**

_'So, why a roommate in a house like this?' Sirius asked when he had re-found his usual guts. 'Divorce.' The man grimaced. 'Why renting a room in a house like this?' 'Got kicked out.' Sirius shrugged._

_'Why are you so kind. Why didn't you kick me out after.. Well. That certain display of affection.' 'Ah. That. Well.' Remus grimaced. 'I've seen enough hatred in this world to not want to be a part of it.'_

_'Have you know for a long time?' Sirius finally broke the silence. 'I am not gay!' Remus shouted, throwing his cup of tea on the ground. It shattered to a thousand pieces in the very literal breaking point Sirius was looking for._

_'Allow me.' Sirius shouted over the deafening rain hitting the streets. Remus turned around. He had to squeeze his eyes to prevent the rain from blurring his sight more. When he finally seemed to realize who it was shouting in his ear, he almost dropped his bag of groceries. 'I'm sorry.' Sirius smirked. 'You look like you've seen a ghost.' Remus recovered quickly and smiled. 'Not in quite some time. Left pocket.'_

_'Should I kiss you now?' Sirius whispered. Oddly enough not in the voice he knew could drive men crazy. It was just a whisper, a soft murmuring of kind words. He leaned in a bit to ensure Remus knew he meant it. 'Yes.' Was the reply he got and his heart skipped a beat._

_'But he is so young!' Lily pressed. 'You can't just run head of heels in a relationship with someone that much younger than you. You hardly know him. Just thinking you are in love shouldn't be enough! Especially if with your problems!'_

_'Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?' He shouted. Never would he be proud of this moment but he shouted. Apparently he had jumped of the couch and was now staring at Remus who was staring back at him. 'Sirius, calm down.'_

_Sirius stormed towards the door, hearing Remus shout in his wake. 'They are just junkies!' But it was no use. He slammed the door open, crossed the street without looking. Several cars screeched and there was some shouting but Sirius ignored them. 'Who the fuck are you guys and what are you doing here!'_

_'Get out!' It was fiercer now as he turned around. There was a fire in his eyes and it startled Sirius. 'Why? What have I done?' 'Don't think I don't know who you are! Christ. Have they send you here to spy on me? On the order? How could I have been so stupid? I can't believe that was your secret.' His fist hit the doorpost, hard. Sirius stepped back._

_Sirius! Sirius, stay awake. Please.' Remus cradled his torso, tapping his cheeks. 'You'll be alright. Don't die on me. Don't you dare die on me! Lily! James!'_

'Wemus?'

_Was that Sirius' voice? Was he okay? Why was he sounding that weird?_

'Wemus. Be a deaw and wake up befow you weally bweak my nose?'

_The dream stilled. Remus frowned, looking at his hands. How could he be breaking someone's nose if no one was near? Then, all of a sudden the streets seemed to close up on him so fast it got him dizzy. Faces appeared. Stormy grey eyes. Hazel ones. A little baby growing into a tiny toddler with black hair and piercing green eyes. A house, a bed, a winning smile, serious faces, doorsteps, people running, people screaming. Jets of light. A woman with pink hair, staring at him with a mixture of fear and gratitude. Sirius, tight to a chair, bleeding from a nasty cut in his cheek and fiery anger in his eyes._

'WEMUS!'

'Fuck!' Remus shouted as he shot up straight and almost crashing into a dark-haired person straddling him.  
'Chwist. I thought you'd nevw come ouw of it.' The person said and for a moment Remus just stared at him in disbelieve. Was he really here? Safe? He blinked, twice.  
'Sirius, is that you?' He asked, still a bit dazed by the nightmare that had been chasing him for over a year now.  
'I suw howp so.' Sirius mumbled, one eyebrow raised, speaking with the same muffled voice Remus had heard in his dream.  
'Why are you talking so.. Oh! Oh dear!' He clapped a hand in front of his mouth as he realized Sirius was pinching his nose. A few droplets of red splattered his upper lip and were starting to dry and crumble between his fingers. 'Did I do that?' He reached for his wand, found it and mumbled a quick spell. Sirius made a face as the bleeding stopped and the blood disappeared.  
'Who knew. Remus Lupin, poster boy of domestic violence.' He wiggled his nose to make sure everything was okay as Remus fell back down on the mattress, covering his face with his arms.

'The nightmare again, huh.' Sirius asked as his fingers played with the little hairs underneath Remus' bellybutton. Remus knew Sirius hated seeing him struggle like that but wasn't in the mood to comfort him.  
'Ngh.' Was all Remus replied, only half aware of the moving weight on his stomach.  
'Why does it always end so bad? I mean.. We've done some pretty amazing stuff the past year. Why does it always end in some weird kidnapping?'  
'I don't know.' Remus grumbled.

The nightmare was the same, every single time. It would recall what had happened the first week he and Sirius had met, up until the moment he thought Sirius would die in his arms. Then it would flash forward in a dizzying blur of all that had happened in the past year. The birth of Lily and James' son. How they moved out of the library and into a small apartment, together. But then things would pop up that never happened. People screaming in panic. Dora staring at him with that strange look. And Sirius getting kidnapped and tortured, every single time. It was getting exhausting.

He wasn't getting much sleep as it was without them. In fact, living together wasn't at all what they expected. But the thought that it eventually would be, was what kept them together. Remus was on missions for the Order more frequently now. If he wasn't, he was probably transforming. The nights he got to spend with Sirius were perfect, but scarce. In fact, they were what he kept in mind when the nights out got cold and lonely. Knowing he had someone to come home to made it a lot easier to ignore a growling stomach or the fleas he would so frequently take home with him. All he could do was hope the War would end soon, preferably in their favorite, and they'd finally get the life they hoped for.

'If you are done feeling all sorry for yourself and being dramatic and stuff..' Sirius said and Remus glared at him from underneath his arm. 'We have a birthday to attend to.' Remus frowned. Birthday? What.. And then it hit him.  
'Harry!'  
'Harry indeed.' Sirius grinned widely. 'So, if you don't mind. I have it on great authority the little marauder misses me greatly.'  
'He can hardly talk.'  
'It's in his ways.' Sirius said, repeating the dramatic fall Remus had performed earlier, earning himself a poke in the ribs and a kiss in his neck.  
'Now who's dramatic? Get dressed then. Missing you is one thing, but seeing you naked might scar him for life.'  
'Oh, fuck off!'

Sirius hopped of the bed and starting dressing. Apart from a fresh pair of boxers he picked up the clothes he threw on the floor so carelessly last night, too tired to fold them up and put them on a chair as Remus preferred. Then he fell down on the bed again, staring at the ceiling for a moment longer.

Yes. Having someone to come home to, someone you wanted to come home to, made things a lot more bearable. Especially if that person was Sirius Black.

**There we are, first chapter! I know it's just a short one, but I thought we needed a little introduction over what had happened in the past year and stuff. More will come, of course.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A little more insight in the enigma that is Remus Lupin. When we first met him, he just got divorced. It's been a year now in which he had time to overview his life and all events. Any of you expected it to be just a year of happy lovey-dovey stuff? Think again.  
Huge chapter, I know. Could break it off in tiny pieces but hey.. is that really what you want?**

They had breakfast, though it was closer to lunch, in the small kitchen of their apartment. It was a quite nice one with wooden details. Remus liked it a lot. A little table under the window was their usual spot for breakfast. At least, if they got the chance to enjoy it together. There were still a few unpacked boxes in a corner. It had been almost a year and still they weren't done unpacking. Not their fault. The amount of time they spent together to give everything a proper place was just so little. Nevertheless, it was theirs and it was home.

Sirius had fallen in love with the tiny apartment at first sight. There was nothing luxurious about it but there were big windows that let in lots of light and lots of details from the age it was build in. It had taken Remus some convincing to live in the center of London but as Sirius had leaned on the windowsill, head resting in his hands and staring down the crowded street beneath with a satisfied smile on his face, he couldn't resist. Plus, they could afford it. Well. Sirius could.

The library had closed down shortly after Harry was born. Not because Lily no longer wanted to work, it was becoming too risky. They were depended on their muggle costumers but keeping wizards out was getting more and more difficult. Plus, the Death Eaters that followed them that night knew they had fled there and there was a patrol pretty much all of the time, keeping a close eye on what used to be the library. It was now turned completely into the Order of the Phoenix downstairs with James, Lily and Harry living upstairs. It was rather large and they'd often have people over to stay for business. Visiting was only possible if you knew the magic word and were able to apparated exactly on the doorstep.

Either way, what he was trying to say was that with the library closing he lost his only source of income. And getting a job wasn't easy being a werewolf. Apart from that, he didn't want to bring muggles in danger. What if Death Eaters showed up there? There wouldn't have any trouble with either kidnapping or killing him and blasting up whatever muggle would be in their way. No. That wasn't an option.

Luckily, which seemed a cruel but just choice of words, the unfortunate happening of the passing of Sirius' uncle, Alphard, was news that came to them the day Harry was born. Sirius had been completely broken hearted when he read about it in the papers, shortly after the funeral. He had wondered out loud whether no one contacted him because they didn't know his whereabouts or whether his fucking shitty family just couldn't care less. Either way, the owl with the testimony _did _find his way, leaving him the small fortune that allowed him to pay the rent for this flat for the rest of his life if he wanted to.

'Dreaming about how we got to live here, again, are you?' Sirius said as he poked Remus in his cheek with the back of his fork before putting it in his mouth.  
'Yes, sorry.'  
'Did you use the unfortunate choice of the word luckily again?'  
'Oh, shut up. It was _you_ who said that, not me.'  
'Yeah well. It was my grief. I got say about it what I want. Now eat your eggs before they get cold. Cold eggs are hardly any good.'  
Remus made him a face but smiled and ate his now lukewarm eggs. Sirius would often repeats things he once said when the situation struck. He'd make an incredibly serious, posh voice along with it that didn't suit Remus in the slightest but it made him laugh every single time and Sirius knew that.  
'Where did I put Harry's gift?'  
'Bathroom.' Remus said.  
'What? Why would I put it _there?_' Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows to almost impossible height.  
'Beats me.'  
'I'm weird.'  
'Yup.'  
'Shut up.'

'Lily is going to hate me for this, isn't she.'  
'Definitely.'

The conversation took place between mouths full of eggs until there plates were empty, Remus flicking them clean with his wand and Sirius running down to the bathroom to see if it really was there. Which it was, by the way.  
Remus locked the door as Sirius tried his best not to step of the doormat. Dumbledore himself had placed some very impressive spells around their apartment. One of them was this very doormat. You could only see it if you knew it was there, which were about five people, and it was the only way to leave and enter the apartment unseen.

***

There was a spell just like that placed on the doorstep of the former Library and that's where they landed, Sirius' arms wrapped around Remus' waist to make sure neither of them would accidently land elsewhere. Sirius unraveled himself and the gift from around Remus as the latter knocked on the door which was opened by James with glasses hanging from one of his ears.

'Hey guys, good to see you! Let me – aaargh.' Two pairs of hands appeared right from him and pulled him from sight. Both Sirius and Remus peeked around the corner to see two tall, skinny men with fiery red hair lift James above their heads and escort him away while singing loudly.  
'FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD DAAHAAD, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD DAAHAAD. FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOED DAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAD AND HE HASN'T SCREWED UP YET.'  
Sirius burst out laughing, running behind them before changing his mind, running back to Remus to push the gift in his hands and turn around to follow the tiny parade again, joining in singing as he snatched someone's beer from a table along the way.

Remus shook his head as he gazed around the room for a bit. He was glad to see Sirius got along so well with James and the Prewett brothers, but he preferred to start of with some quieter company. That he found in the shape of Frank and Alice Longbottom, cradling their owl little kid that was about Harry's age.  
'Hey, how is Neville doing?' He asked as he sat down and both parents smiled at him kindly. He liked Alice and Frank. He had known them for quite some time and they were two of the kindest people one could meet.  
'He is doing great.' Alice smiled proudly at the chubby little boy on her lap. 'How are you doing? Revived from your last mission?  
'Quite.' Remus smiled back as he acciod a glass of wine from the bar. 'It's all for a good cause.'  
'Hear, hear.' Frank added, raising his glass as they toasted.  
They had a little chat about Neville's development and his birthday the previous day, which Remus and Sirius didn't get to visit due to work, as Remus tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. Instead he smiled politely and asked questions that gave young parents the chance to proudly brag about their little ones. After a few minutes they excused themselves and left. Grandmother was coming for a visit. Remus met her once and she wasn't the kind of woman you wanted to keep waiting. The giant vulture on her hat still give him the creeps.

'How are you doing?' Lily sank down on the couch next to him and handed him another glass of wine.  
'Fine. Why?' He took a sip. Knowing damn well she was just leading op to dreaded question.  
'You look awful.'  
'Thanks Lils. You always now how to cheer up a guy.'  
'Oh hush. How is things going between the two of you? We hardly get to see each other with the war going on.'  
'As good as one can expect from circumstances.'  
'And how good is that?'  
Remus gave her a knowing look, meaning that he knew perfectly well that she had been wanting to investigate his love life for weeks.  
'If you are asking whether I regret my decisions, the answer is no.'  
'I'm not! It's just that.. Well. With James and me, we got all the time to get to know each other. And you know I'm all for!' She apologized, hands in the air as Remus gave her a frown. 'All I'm trying to say is that it must be hard to live with a guy you see about one or two nights a week if you're lucky.'  
Remus nodded, glad that it seemed Lily had finally given up fighting (though she had casually started doing that a few months ago).  
'It is hard and conditions are not working in our favor, but Sirius is the best thing that happened to me in a very long time. If not ever.'

She squeezed his hand as their eyes scanned the room to find neither James nor Sirius.  
'That can't be good.' She mumbled and Remus chuckled.  
'Partners in crime.' He said and Lily nodded before giving his hand another squeeze.  
'Remus?'  
'Yes?'  
'If I ever give the slightest note of being bothered with your relationship, slap me. I know I've been a bitch about it, but I've never seen you this happy. He must do something good. Spare me the details.'  
Remus burst out in laughter, causing a few people to look surprised at the usually so calm man.  
'Thanks Lils.' He said as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a short hug. 'But before you go all approving of him, you might want to unwrap this.' He handed her the wrapped gift leaning against the couch ever since he sat down.  
'Oh boy. And I just asked him to stay for the night with the order meeting being tomorrow at all.' She joked as she unwrapped the gift and Remus saw her face turn into something between laughter and horror. 'This is not good. Is this..?'  
'A BROOM!' A voice boasted so close to their ears they spilled wine all over themselves, the couch and the floor. 'Woops. Sorry for that.' The voice said and a wand appeared between the two of them, cleaning up the mess before snatching the broom from Lily's hand. Both of them turned around to find James with a cheery toddler with his hair on his arm.  
'You see that Harry? Your first broom! Let's go to the kitchen and try that, shall we? Lily, get the camera!' And he ran off shouting toward the other missing person that was now leaning against the post of the kitchendoor. 'Sirius, you magnificent bastard!' And they disappeared into the kitchen with Harry and the Prewett brothers, who were never far behind if brooms and mischief were involved.

'It's always a wonderful moment when they get their first broom, isn't it.' Lily said but the smile left her face as she saw the look on Remus' face. The look that expressed what he had felt ever since he woke up and most of the past year, even if it was just in the back of his mind.

'Have you told him yet?'  
'No.'  
'Remus..'  
'I know. You'd say a year is long enough to figure out what to do when it comes to this. But I just don't know what to say.'  
'To him or to her?'  
'Both?'  
'It'll be fine, Remus. I'm sure..'  
Whatever she wanted to say got cut short by and exasperated shout from the kitchen.  
'LILY! Where's the camera! He's doing it! He's actually doing it! He's a natural!'

Lily squeezed Remus' hand once again and apologized, promising they'd talk about it later before snatching the camera from a table nearby and running towards whatever it was that was happening.  
They left Remus on his own for a few minutes as he sipped the remainder of his wine. He wondered if his face was so stormy no one dared to come closer as he remained the only person on the couch for quite some time until it dented with someone's weight and he looked sideways to find familiar greys eyes twinkle at him.

Sirius sat down on the couch next to him and Remus thanked him for the lack of obvious intimacy. Not that he wanted to hide what they had. But it was odd to be intimate with a man around people you met while married to a woman they all knew damn well for so long.  
'Thanks.' Remus whispered.  
'No problem.' Sirius said, knowing what Remus meant. 'Harry is a brilliant flyer.'  
'I suspected something like that.' Remus said, referring to the enthusiastic shouts minutes earlier.  
'Lily offered we stay the night with the order meeting being tomorrow and all.'  
'That is probably a god plan.'  
Remus felt his stomach twist and that had nothing to do with Sirius leaning closer. He had to tell him. Lily was right. But this was hardly the place. He had no idea what Sirius' response would be and he was very much against the breaking-up dinner scenes the movies seemed to be so fond of. Sirius' whispering voice distracted him from his frustrations though. 'I'm all for keeping intimacy for the bedroom. After all, I'm quite acquainted with your talented tongue.'  
Remus felt a pink tinge spread across his cheeks he heard S describe as adorable on several occasions.  
'Now, if you'll excuse me, my love. I have people to entertain. Tonight I'll be all yours. Promise.' And as he stood up he very obviously not accidentally brushed past Remus' crotch.

He knew Sirius knew damn well something was bothering Remus. He wasn't oblivious and Remus new that. But Remus was grateful the boy, or was he a man by now, knew pushing was no use.  
In fact, Sirius turned out to be a lot more mature than Remus had feared he would be. Perhaps it was of what they had been through together or how Sirius had always been tormented by his own family. Either way, even though the boy could be spoiled and arrogant some time, overall he was clever, funny and mature enough to make Remus worry about him a little less every time Dumbledore decided to send Sirius out for an order assignment.

On the other hand, Sirius had proven Remus that despite his age, condition or serious disposition he thought had stuck to him after his divorce, he could actually still act careless and have fun about ridiculous things if someone just dragged him along. He remembered how Sirius had convinced him building a hut underneath the kitchen table was a good idea. He hesitated for a moment but gave in and boy, had he had fun! They even had dinner there. It was those little things that convinced him time and time again he made the right choice.  
It had been one year, just the one. But Remus had enjoyed it more than the ten years of his marriage altogether. It was unfortunate they got to see each other so little. And it wasn't getting easier. Being away on a mission so often, cold and hungry and drowning in your own misery it was easy to forget you had someone who loved you. He would usually end up relieving his divorce over and over again. And, worst of all, every day that passed was one more day without Teddy.

There was the heavy feeling in his stomach again that had been teasing him the past year in the moment he least wanted it to. His marriage had not been perfect but he tried all he could to be a good father. He praised him when Teddy came home with good grades or a nice drawing. He read him bedtime stories, hugged him and took him out for icecream. As much as he feared the kid when Dora was pregnant, he loved him growing up. It was as if he was the best friend Remus ever had. Someone that could love him unconditionally. Sure. Sirius did that. But Teddy..

God. He missed the kid. It had hurt him so much when Lily had showed him the letter. Dora had gone into hiding shortly after the attack on Remus' house and she had taken Teddy with him. Without telling Remus. Sure, she had every reason to hate him. But he was his father! He could feel a clump in his throat that he tried to swallow away. He looked up to find Sirius at the other side of the room, arm slung casually around James' shoulders as they drank a beer and laughed with one of the Prewett brothers. Gideon, he guessed. Sirius looked back at him, smiled his wicked smile and winked. Remus smiled back but his heart grew even heavier. How was he ever going to tell him about the letter he received last week? 


	3. Chapter 3

**Wondering what has been bothering Remus Lupin lately? Allow him to explain.  
It's really, really hard to restart a story! I'm so used to being in full action with the previous one that this one sounds so soft and lame right now..  
Won't be for long, sure. But it's weird!**

Dinner was awkward to say the least. Remus was playing with his food absentmindedly. How could he eat with the clock on the wall ticking away the minutes until that dreaded moment? Perhaps if he would never fall asleep, tomorrow would never come either. That annoying clock made his stomach twist more with every tick. He _had_ to talk to Sirius tonight. He had to. It would be unfair to just let him figure it out for himself.

The one thing that calmed his nerves a bit was the entertainment in the shape of the Prewett Brothers. He was to leave on a mission with them the next night, after the order. So they stayed the night, too, to give the three of them the entire next day to plan their mission. Or at least most of it.

They weren't what made it awkward though. As said before, if anyone could make a dreaded situation light, it was them. No. It was the nervous glances James shot Lily what made it awkward. The angry frowns Lily shot him back, too.  
'What's wrong, Jamesieboy? Gideon asked, flicking a pea into his black hair.  
'Yeah, why the scared looks? Afraid of the misses? I'd be, if she glared at me like that!' Fabian added.  
'Oh, shut up!' James spluttered, throwing a hand of peas at the twins in return.  
'I do not!' Lily protested, trying to stop Harry from following his father's example.

It went on like that for a while. Remus knew why James was so nervous, of course. The same reason Lily was. And he, himself. What worried Remus the most though, was Sirius. He did not participate in the pea-flicking competition as he thought his lover would. He just let the frown, glares and jokes slide past him as if nothing happened. But every now and then when, Remus guessed, Sirius thought no one was looking, his casual smile turned into a thin, frustrated line. As if he knew, too. But how could be? Remus was convinced Lily didn't tell and James wouldn't dare too. Surely the Prewetts wouldn't know. Unless.. Were they somehow related to..? A voice and a pea against his forehead brought him back into the world of the living. Harry had escaped his mother's grasp and managed to launch _one_ pea.

'How about you, mister? Probably not looking forward to tomorrow?' Fabian asked, taking the oppurtunity. The following chain of events made both twins raise their eyebrows. It wasn't necessarily a chain, though. It more or less happened at the same time. James and Lily stopped bickering and stared at the twins in icy silence. Sirius knocked over his glass, excusing himself and disappearing in the kitchen to find something to clean it up and Remus put the cherry on top with his response.  
'Don't know what you're talking about.' He said. Too fast and it was clearly not the right answer.

'Well, that is a first. And here I was thinking _you_ were always the one best prepared for a mission.' Fabian said, doubting whether he would add something about the weird responses. Remus was glad he decided not to.  
'Yeah.' Gideon added. 'You _did_ know we are leaving tomorrow night, right?'  
Remus could kick himself. Of course that was what they were talking about. The mission. Fuck.  
'Right sorry.' Remus wondered if he could blame the wine and decided to give it a shot. He raised his glass with an excusing look before downing the rest in one large gulp. 'Last one of the night, promised.'  
'It better be! Going on a mission with a hangover is not a good thing. Trust me, I know.' And Gideon started telling everyone about that one time he had to collect nose-biting teacups while being hungover and how horrible that had been. Everyone listened and laughed, perhaps a bit too obvious. They joked a little about Sirius surely having no hangover as he returned to clean up his spilled beer and while Sirius smiled, Remus knew it wasn't a true smile. His signature was nowhere to be found. Remus wondered why he never noticed before. If he should've. But as little as they saw each other, keeping up pretences had probably been as easy for Sirius as it had been for Remus. Crying when you are alone is just so much easier.. But now he noticed a darkness in Sirius' eyes he should've noticed before. It wasn't an overnight color. There was something burning in them, fighting to come out What he noticed too was that Sirius avoided his guessing gaze the rest of the night.

.*.*.

It was the sign that Sirius didn't start undressing as soon as they entered the bedroom that something was indeed wrong. Instead, he kicked of his shoes, sat down on the bed cross-legged and nodded his head to make Remus do the same. Remus did, glad that at least Sirius didn't avoid spending the night together. Not that he made out how to start the conversation yet.

Nor did he have to. It was Sirius that started it and not with a question he anticipated. Yet it was one of the things that had been lingering in that deep, dark pool his stomach seemed to have turned into.  
Sirius had a hard time keeping his usual smile as his lips pursed and his fingers plucked the blanket viciously. He was clearly keeping himself together to say something neither of them wanted to hear. Then, those beautiful lips parted and said those dreaded words.

'Are we breaking up?'

Remus felt a heat soaring through his body he never felt before. It was burning in his temples, yet his stomach felt like ice. His eyes stung, as if he could start crying with every word he was going to say. He wasn't sure what it was but it was a horrible feeling and he wanted it to stop. Right now.

He knew where it came from, though. It was a feeling that had been slowly increasing for the past year. Because of course he knew this day, or tomorrow actually, would come and that there would be some explaining to do. But he had glad fully postponed that moment as hard and often as he could. Unfortunately that didn't make tomorrow go away and the time of honesty was now.

'I don't know.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Well. NeonDomino was **_**very**_** convincing that I couldn't break them up. Oh well. Perhaps just not **_**yet**_**. Just read, alright? ;-) There's finally some flow and answers getting into the story. That should surely making updating a lot easier!**

Got no less than 5 favs and 11 followers so far and it's just chapter 4! Thank you guys sooo much!

Just a little heads up: English is not my first language. Grammatical errors do occur. Errors like to&too, accept& expect and stuff is just me being hasty. I damn well know the difference :P Feel free to correct me though!

'I don't know? I don't want to.. But I don't know. I'm scared, Sirius.' It took him quite some trouble to force those words out of his mouth. It wasn't as if he had a reputation to uphold. He was commonly known as a kind and sensitive man. But he never liked to admit he was scared. Now he was. More than he had ever done. Perhaps because never before had he had so much to lose. Whichever way it went. Plus deep down his guts he had a feeling something would go terribly wrong once he said those words. As if he would set of a future that otherwise wouldn't have come. Something had to go wrong.

It didn't, though. The ceiling didn't come down, Sirius didn't explode in bloody bits and the world didn't stop turning. At least not as far as he noticed. And so it seemed as if something got uncorked inside of him and a stream of words floated out like a desperate river.

'You are going to see me being a dad. I can't even start to describe how nervous that makes me. I know how the be a father and a shitty husband. Not how to be a father and a good lover. What if the Remus Lupin that is a father, isn't the Remus Lupin you want to share your bed with? I mean, I'll be turning forty soon. You are twenty-too. Is this really what you want? Spend your life with an old guy who has a kid and a bitter ex-wife whom he never was able to please? What if she won't understand, what if she takes Teddy away from me for good?' Remus rambled about but with that last sentence he hit exactly what had been bothering him for the better part of last year and the air around them turned stone cold.

That was it, wasn't it? From the moment he fell in love with Sirius some part of him kept telling him he couldn't win. He couldn't have both. That some point in the future the moment would come he had to choose between Sirius and Teddy. Oh, how he tried to ignore that little voice. It was easy when Sirius was in his arms. Kissing him. Telling him jokes or something stupid he did, somewhere in the past. Everything was so perfect then. But when he was alone, on a mission or not yet asleep, those thoughts would come creeping up again. He was fucking terrified. And not just of that.

What if Sirius would suddenly realize how old he really was when Teddy would show up. Teddy, his lover's son which whom he differed less in age than with his lover. And Teddy would show up. That was.. What he had to say. He swallowed.  
'I've been trying to find a way to tell you this..'  
'Dora will come back tomorrow. And she's bringing Teddy with her.' Sirius finished his sentence, playing with the blanket and not looking at him. 'I know.' 

'You know?'  
'Yes. I feel things. I hear things. This has been bothering you for a long time. I'm not stupid, you know. I know you.'  
'I know.' Remus said, wanting to say so much more but his words and his mouth failed him.  
'I guess I knew we would reach this point sometime.' Sirius continued. 'But we've been spending so little time together.. I guess I was just postponing until there was no denying this could happen. A part of me hoped it would just go away if I wouldn't acknowledge it.'

Remus felt the twist in his stomach tighten.  
'I'm so sorry. I should've told you. There was a part of me, too, that hoped it would just go away. But it was selfish of me to think you wouldn't notice or be bothered by this. I should've told you.'  
'It's okay. It's as much as my fault as it is yours. I'm just not that much of a talker. I guess I was afraid, too.'  
'Of what?' Remus wondered if he should reach out and hold Sirius' hand that was still plucking the blankets, but somehow intimacy didn't seem like the right thing to do right now. Not when there was so much uncertainty in the air.

'Of her. Her power?' Sirius shifted on the bed uncomfortably. 'You once told me you were willing to fight your friends form me, but you weren't sure you would choose me over them. Which was okay. Of course I didn't want to lose you, but I just met you. Stakes are so much higher now. We've been together for a year, yes. That should give me some advantages in several situations. But this is your ex-wife we're talking about. The mother of your child she has custody over because the ministry of magic is being a little bitch about your lycanthropy. What if she, as you said, won't understand? Want if she made you choose between Teddy and me? Could you choose me?'  
**  
**Remus knew the silence that came from him was the same kind that had cost him his marriage. It held the same kind of realisation too. He hadn´t given Sirius the credit he deserved. That was selfish of him. It had been bothering him as much as it had bothered Remus and he hadn´t taken the time to think about that. He was too consumed in feeling bad for himself. He was a selfish lover. But Sirius was right. He couldn´t tell. No matter how much he loved Sirius and how much he enjoyed having someone loving him every single second of the past year, this was a though choice. Teddy was his own flesh and blood. Sure, he was born in a marriage doomed to fail. But that kid was what had kept him standing those last eight years. And missing him the past year had broken his heart a little more every single day.

´I don't know.´ He whispered as he, too, starting plucking the blanket. ´No matter how much I want to say that I would choose you above anything else, I can´t. He´s my son.´  
´I understand, you know.´ Sirius said with a voice that made Remus look up into understanding eyes. In all the imaginary conversations he held with Sirius, this would be the point where he stormed off angry, insulted Remus wasn´t willing to give him his all.  
´Really?'  
'Of course. I knew this moment would come. A kid needs a good dad, Remus. Someone that loves him. They turn out better that way.'  
Remus could hear the unspoken words in that last sentence and once again he cursed himself for the lack of praise he had given Sirius.  
'I wouldn't want you any other way.' He said, answering that unspoken sentence.  
'And you would never treat Teddy my father treated me. But you could save him a lot of pain by being there for him. There were times I tried to fight for my dad's attention against my better judgement. That made me feel miserable. Don't do that to him.'  
'I won't.' Remus promised, surprised that Sirius decided this was the right time to touch him. It was nothing more than a short tap on his hand, but it was something.

'I guess it is needless to say I would prefer you'd find a way that includes me.'  
'I prefer that too.'

'So.. I guess we aren't breaking up tonight after all?'  
Remus tried to answer but all of a sudden he got overwhelmed by all the emotions that he had been keeping in and shook his head before reaching out and pulling Sirius in his lap. As Sirius rested his head on his shoulder and wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, Remus started crying. Soft, sure. But he cried nevertheless.

How could he have been so blind. Was he so completely ruined by his marriage that he could no longer confide in someone he loved? Of course he was willing to fight for Sirius. Those curls he loved to bury his nose in so much. That musky, manly smell that always surrounded. And that body. That gorgeous, slightly muscled but slim body that felt _so_ good pressed against his. Of course he'd fight for that. He closed his eyes as he saw Teddy's face and a vague vision of Teddy, sitting on Sirius' lap and imitating his black curls appeared. Was that a sign? He decided it was. No matter who would tell him he couldn't have both (though, honestly, he was the only one who told him that himself), he would fight to get that. To be happy. Because he fucking damn well deserved that.

'Remus?' Sirius mumbled in his neck.  
'Hmm?' Remus answered, realizing he wasn't crying anymore.  
'Did you know men start getting gorgeous _after_ forty?'  
Remus snorted and he could feel Sirius' lips form a smile against his skin.  
'Imagine what that makes _me_ by that time. Surely you don't want to miss that.' Sirius added and Remus rolled his eyes.

'You are unbelievable sometimes, you now that?' Remus mumbled in the curls that were now starting to tickle his nose.  
'I know. That much brains, beauty _and _wit? It should be illegal. Now. Why don't you undress me and give me something good to remember before I have to stop touching you in public all together.'  
'We _can_ shake hands.' Remus argued but Sirius clasped a hand over his mouth to make him stop talking.  
'Shut up and touch me.' That time it wasn't a joke. Sirius' face was dead serious as he sat up and grabbed the collar of Remus' shirt, pressing their lips together as if this was their last day on earth. Remus gladly obliged, knowing that Sirius could be right. This could be the last time. Who knew what tomorrow could bring. But tonight, _he_ could decide what would happen. And he'd make sure Sirius wouldn't soon forget.

**So. I kept you guys from a steaming scene the previous Atticted story. How about I give you one now? Hmm?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Come on peeps, give me the reviews! SO many followers already! :D I love them sooo much and I can't start saying how much they inspire me in further storylines! Any way.. The action is getting serious from now one. So perhaps I should do some serious demanding!**

Oh and yes, because I never gave you their first time (and hell as if they waited an entire year to do that) I give you this little mixed chapter. Sure you'll like it!

Review, and I'll update ;)

'Remember our first time?' Sirius whispered between kisses, his grip still firm on Remus' collar. 'I'll never forget the look on your face when you came.'  
Remus did remember, kissing Sirius back hungry and longingly. It had not been that ago, probably four month, and he could still recall every tumble his stomach made, every flash of heat soaring through his body with every touch Sirius made.

'_Are you sure you want to do this?'  
'Remus. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Now get your ass over here.'  
As Sirius pulled Remus on top of him, the friction of their naked skin touching made him dizzy. He was about to have sex with a man. Not a handjob. Not a blowjob. Actual sex. What if he didn't like it? What if he did something wrong? What if he hurt Sirius? What if-  
'Stop it.' Sirius commanded.  
'What?'  
'Fretting. Get the lube.'  
'The what?'  
Sirius rolled his eyes and blindly grabbed the tube on the nightstand. Remus blushed as his lips formed an understanding _oh_. For a moment insecurity started to take him over again but Sirius gave him a quick peck on the cheek and a mischievous wink.  
'Wizards.' He said as he popped the tube open._

'I didn't know sex could be _that_ good.' Remus breathed as he threw Sirius of his lap and straddled him. 'Then again.' He continued as he bowed down until his mouth was near Sirius' ear and spoke with the low, growling voice he had learned to drive Sirius crazy with lust. 'I didn't know someone could be so _fuckable_ either.'  
Sirius shivered underneath his whisper and Remus softly bit his neck, pleased with the response.  
'I love it when you talk like that.' Sirius gasped and moaned loudly, then closed his eyes and let a hint of breath flutter between his lips as he continued in whisper. 'I love it.'

_'Talk dirty to me?'  
'What?'  
A hand formed around his neck and Sirius pulled him forward until their foreheads touched.  
'Tell me what you want to do to me.'  
Remus could feel his cheeks burn. Never before had he done something like that. What was he supposed to do? What if he said something stupid? But Sirius had told him to stop fretting. And so, after a short moment of hesitation and reflection, he uttered his first words of dirty talk.  
'I.. I want to feel you against mine.'  
'Is that all?'  
'I want to.. to kiss you.'  
'And?'  
'I want to taste you.'  
'Where?'  
'You know exactly where.' Remus answered, a little annoyed that Sirius was trying to push to do this. His grasped Sirius' wrists and pinned them above his head at the exact same moment he realised how raw and aroused his voice had been. And this.. Was he actually being dominant? He.. he liked this.  
'Do it.' Sirius whispered as his grey eyes bore into Remus' soul. 'Taste me.' And as if it was the only logical thing to do, he started kissing a trail down Sirius' stomach, before taking the throbbing head in his mouth, this time so much more determined. It had made Sirius groan and wriggle and clutch the blanket in ways that Remus hadn't seen before. Since then, dirty talk was definitely his thing._

'This has been too long.' Remus growled as positioned himself between Sirius' legs and grabbed his hips to pull him closer. Though both still fully dressed, Remus pressed his cottonclad crotch against Sirius' ass. Sirius moaned.  
'We've had scandalous little sex.' He complained. 'We should be all over each other all the time.'

'This has been too long.' Remus growled and Sirius moaned.  
'I know. We have had scandalous little sex for a one-year relationship. We should be all over each other all the time.' Sirius arched his back a bit to emphasise his longing for a touch.  
'We will once this fucking war is over.' Remus mumbled as he now grabbed Sirius' arms and pulled him back on his lap, this time higher and in a better position to cause friction.  
Sirius started unbuttoning Remus' shirt with a fire in his stormy eyes. Remus wondered if that was his own amber eyes reflecting in the grey. Either way he was pleased how easy it was to extract such eagerness from his your lover.  
'Is that a promise?' Sirius panted.  
'Gods yes.'

His now unbuttoned shirt slid down his shoulders and Sirius leaned in to softly kiss his neck and collarbone. One finger softly traced on of the bigger scars on his chest, something that no longer bothered him. Every time Sirius undressed him (mind you, that had been more often than the fucking thing) he got less aware of the existence of his scars and more of the fingers touching him, the eyes admiring him. A pleasure he gladly returned as he pulled Sirius' shirt over his head, the shoulders bouncing back on his pale shoulders, softly grazing the prominent collarbones.

'I am going to fuck you.' Remus breathed as he placed a hand on Sirius' chest and gave him a firm push. Sirius landed in the thick blankets with a broad smile, his hands reaching out for Remus. But Remus took this moment to take in the sight of his lover lying in the blankets, so willing to give himself. They had been together a year. A year. And still there were times Remus could not believe someone could be this beautiful. Not just that. But that someone that beautiful was _his._ He stroked his fingers teasingly over the flat chest. Over Sirius' toned stomach. Remus decided Auror training was doing him well as he parted Sirius' legs a little more and let his fingers follow the subtle muscled lines of his inner thighs.  
Sirius shivered under his touched and his cock twitched. He grabbed Remus' hands and pulled, causing Remus to land on top of him. Luckily no essential body parts were crushed.  
'I thought there was some promise of fucking.'  
Remus grinned.  
'Impatient.'  
'Fuck yes.'  
He unbuttoned Sirius' jeans and started to peel them off.  
'You have to stop wearing such ridiculously tight jeans.'  
'You love me in ridiculously tight jeans.' Sirius said.  
'God. Yes. I do.'  
Remus decided he no longer wanted to wait for the tight heat and grabbed blindly for his wand. They had quickly discarded the messy lube for a magical version. Cleaner, quicker and working just as good.

'_Fuck.' Sirius' breath hitched as he arched his back to compensate the stinging stretch. 'You are big.'  
Remus didn't respond. He just leaned on his elbows, frozen with eyes shut, breathing hot and heavy in Sirius' neck.  
'It's okay, you can move.' Sirius encouraged him but Remus shook his head.  
'No. No I can't.'  
He was so close. His stomach clenching, ready to come. He didn't want this to be over before it started. Sirius chuckled and slowly tightened his muscles around him.  
'Sirius..' Remus warned but Sirius just placed his hand in Remus' neck and pulled him closer for a firm kiss. Then he looked Remus in the eyes with the naughty, lust filled look that made his head go crazy.  
'Move.' He demanded.  
And so he did.. _

Remus' finger teased Sirius' crease and he smiled satisfied as his lover clenched when he touched him _there. _His own cock was now violently pressing against his trousers but he decided he could get rid of them later._  
_'Please do it. Please.' Sirius begged, canting his hips and leaning into Remus' movement.  
'Do what.' Remus said as he, in one move, slid his entire finger in Sirius. 'This?'  
'Yes!' Sirius cried out and repeated it once more as Remus slowly began to fuck him with his finger. Soon he added a second, causing Sirius to arch his back. He leaned on his arms and started to move in rhythm with Remus.  
Remus let his other hand wander around Sirius' hips and side before settling and taking a firm hold of the velvet shaft of his cock. He wasn't jerking Sirius off. At least not very active. He just slowly stroked it. Teased him, if you will. Whatever you would call it, it gave the wanted effect.  
'Fuck, Remus! Fuck me!'  
'Are you sure?' Remus leaned forward to nuzzle his lover's neck as he simultaneously pushed another finger inside that insane tight heat. 'Do you not want to kiss and cuddle some more?'  
'No! I mean.. yes. No! No! Fuck me, please.'

Oh, how he loved for Sirius to beg for it. Yes, it was still a bit weird and yes, every now and then he would fall out of his dominant position and feel ashamed of how he made someone beg for it like that. But it would never take long. Not with his own member so hard it was starting to hurt. And definitely not when something caught his eye.

'Is it too early to try something else'  
'Anything. As long as you fuck me. What's keeping you?'  
Remus bit his lip as his gaze slowly diverted to a small desk in the corner of the room. Sirius followed his glare.  
'Oh.' Sirius gasped. 'Oh yes. Yes. Please.'  
Remus pulled his fingers out and ignored Sirius' complaining moan for the loss. He slid of the bed, pulling Sirius with him in his way. It was a short walk but it left Remus some more time to fret. Something he was still good at and would probably always be. He wondered whether Sirius expected him to push him down on it. Whether he wanted Sirius on his back or on his stomach..  
But it was unnecessary. As soon as they reached the table Sirius turned around quickly, gave Remus a firm kiss and looked him straight in the eye.  
'Make me wait another second and you'll regret it.' He promised Remus as he turned around and leaned his elbows as far on the table as he could, spreading his legs and arching his back. That last action gave Remus a perfect view on that firm, tight ass and he knew he would regret it himself too if he waited any longer.

With shaking hands, not making the task any easier, he unbuttoned his thin cotton trousers. In one impatient move he hooked fingers beneath the band of his boxers and pulled both down in one move. He let out a shaky gasp as his cock sprang free and he hastily tried to kick aside his discarded clothes.  
He rested one hand on Sirius' hip, fingers sprawled over his gently showing hipbone. His other hand formed around his shaft and guided it to Sirius' entrance. Sirius, in his turn, spread his legs a bit more, giving Remus every room he needed.

In one, perhaps slightly too rough move, he pushed himself inside and didn't stop until he was balls deep in. Sirius gasped, nails scratching the table and his muscles clenched around Remus' cock, causing even more tightness. Remus blindly moved his other hand to Sirius' hip as well as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He hoped he would never get used to this. That it would always feel this amazing.  
'Alright?' He breathed.  
'Yes.' Sirius whispered.  
Remus took that as his cue to move. He started with a slow rhythm but it didn't take long for that to turn into long, hard thrusts that made Sirius moan in pleasure. He saw how Sirius' fingers searched for something to hold on to, but nothing was in sight to hold on to. Remus travelled his hands from Sirius' hips past his sides and up Sirius' arms and laced their fingers. Sirius squeezed them immediately, harder and harder as Remus upped his speed.

Feeling the end near he slowly bowed his knees a bit to change his angle as he pulled out and pushed back hard, hitting that spot that did things to Sirius he loved. And it did. Sirius threw his head back, letting out a gasp. Remus did it again and this time Sirius shouted. Remus was glad about the silencing spell and apparently Sirius was too.  
'Oh fuck, Remus. Fuck. Harder! Please.'  
Remus gladly obliged, now pounding into Sirius with all the force he had. One of his hands let go of Sirius' and slid underneath the table where there had been just enough room for Sirius' cock. He started pumping it as Sirius begged and moaned harder with every thrust.  
After about two dozen of firm strokes Remus felt thick streams of hot liquid cover his hands, as Sirius pumped himself ready in Remus' hand now in rhythm with Remus, meeting him with every thrust.  
It took Remus only have a dozen more of those to come himself with a restrained groan in the back of his throat and three more hare thrusts. He released his other hand from Sirius' and leaned on the table to catch his breath.

Sirius let out one last growl as Remus pulled back and took Sirius' hands, both stumbling to the bed with shaky legs from their orgasms. Remus collapsed on the fluffy blankets, Sirius half on top of him, head on his chest.  
'That was _so_ good.' Sirius yawned. 'I'm going to start a new faith and I'll call it Lupinanity. And only I can join because you have to have a current sexlife with Remus John Lupin to be a part of it. And I'll never let you have sex with anyone else.'  
'Wasn't planning to, love.' Remus said as he rested his hand randomly on the arm on his chest. Elbow.

_What Remus never told Sirius, because it didn't seem like the right thing to do, was that a few hours after this spontaneous and gorgeous afternoon, Remus had unwillingly recalled his previous sex life. He had no idea whether it was appropriate to think about stuff like that after your first time with a lover. Then again, all he thought was to Sirius' advance, so he couldn't complain about that. His first thought was that he could never go back to having sex with women. The second he could never go back to having sex with anyone but Sirius.  
Sex with Dora had been dutiful. It had never been passionate. Not even the first time. It felt good, in a certain way. But it wasn't satisfying. It was nothing more than pumping because he had to.  
With Sirius.. How Sirius arched underneath him, gasped at the right moments and pulled him closer to him with whatever limb was closest at that point.. _that _was what sex was supposed to be._

An arm wrapping itself around his stomach, still sticky with cooled sweat awoke him.  
'Stop thinking.'  
'Sorry.' Remus mumbled. He wondered if Sirius had guessed what he was thinking about. They laid like that for a little while until their hearts got back to their usual rates before Sirius crawled out of bed, demanding Remus to stay put while he made them some coffee.

'Remus?'  
'Yes?'  
'Stop worrying.'  
'I'll try.'  
'Do or do not, there is no try.'  
'Did you just quote Star Wars? You are turning into a right muggle.'  
'I know, right? Either way. Don't worry. We've got a track record of surviving some messed up shit together. We'll get through this.'  
'I know. I'm just..'  
'Still scared. I understand. We'll get through it. On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking about getting my driver's license.'  
Remus raised his eyebrows at the sudden change of subject Sirius made.  
'Your _driver's license?'  
_'Yes! You've got them. I want them too. I want to look just as hot as you do when you steer that huge, un-magical vehicle.'  
'That's hot?'  
'You have _no _idea. Plus. We could go on road trips. And I could give you blowjobs in the back of my car.'  
'Who wouldn't want _that._' Remus said, the slightly sarcastic tone not going unnoticed by Sirius.  
'Fine. You can give _me_ blowjobs in the back of my car. Now, close your eyes and go to sleep. There's a big day ahead of us tomorrow.'  
Remus felt a hand stroke his hair and turned his head to find looking at him with sad eyes.  
'Will you go on road trips with me, then?'  
'I'll follow you anywhere.' Remus whispered. Why did it feel so much as a goodbye?  
'Sweet dreams, love.'

And though Remus fell asleep almost immediately, the dreams were anything but sweet. The same carousel of memories rushed by. But this time there was no voice waking him when Sirius came in view, tight to a chair with a cut on his cheek. There was a new visualisation. There was a dark room in a house, old and extravagant. A vision appeared of himself, jumping in front of Dora as a jet of red light hit him in the chest. The last he saw before shouting himself awake was his own frame falling to the floor with empty eyes.

**So.. Little personal stuff in there haha. I love men driving cars, it has something powerful and protecting.. And picturing Remus driving a car, prr!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Another chapter! Sorry it took me so long to update. Work, work, work. Thanks for the reviews everyone! They make my day!**

'Remus? Remus, please wake-up?'  
This time there was no need for shouting. Remus opened his eyes and found Sirius leaning over him, one hand softly shaking his arm. No blood and no broken noses.  
'God.' Remus mumbled as he rubbed his tired eyes.  
'Are you alright? You are crying..' Sirius mumbled and Remus wiped a cheek, surprised to find tears indeed.  
'I'm sorry.' He mumbled. Not sure why.'  
'Was it that dream again?'  
'Sort of.'  
'Did I die?'  
'No.'  
'Then why were you crying?'  
Remus didn't answer straight away. He didn't know why. Why wouldn't he tell what he dreamed?  
'There was.. I don't want to talk about it?'  
'That bad, huh.'  
'Yeah.'

He was still grateful for that moment a year ago they agreed having secrets was fine, as long as it wouldn't stand between them. And a simple dream wouldn't. Right? As far as he was concerned, he wasn't psychic. Nor had anyone in his family ever had symptoms. Yes, symptoms. 'Cause frankly Remus John Lupin was too sober to believe in superstitious stuff like that. So. Breakfast.

#*#

If dinner had been awkward last night, breakfast was worse. Remus was forever grateful that Sirius had the decency to just be quiet and eat, as well as the twins. But James and Lily.. You'd think it was them having to face their ex-wife. Now that Remus had finally come to terms with the whole situation. Sirius was right. He had to be the bigger man here. He was a father after all and he shouldn't let his kid suffer because of his.. issues. But James and Lily. Gods be damned.

'Remus, have something to eat.'  
'Here, have another drink.'  
'What would you like? Toast? A sandwich?'  
'Orange juice, tea?'  
'Would you like me to make you something?'

It was getting on Remus' nerves. He was nervous enough without them being all over him. Besides that, he was a grown man. Surely he could handle this himself. And surely it was just because they loved him so much. But Gods be good. He couldn't stand their fussing much longer.

How late are Dora and Teddy arriving?' He asked, trying to sound casually. He couldn't hide the slight hesitation as he said both their names, though.  
'Oh, don't worry about that.'  
'I'd really like to know.'  
'We'll talk about that after breakfast. Come on, have some juice.  
'Guys..'  
'Yeah. Here. I'll make you a sandwich.'  
'Full glass?'  
'Peanutbutter?'

"Would you guys stop it!' It was definitely louder than Remus had meant to shout, but it had the wished for effect. Lily quickly put the glass of orange juice on the table and James stopped making the peanut-butter jelly sandwich mid-air. That alone was proof he was as nervous as Remus was. Even the nextdoor-neighbour's cousin twice removed's ex-wife's sister knew Remus loathed peanutbutter. Though, now he thought of it, the nextdoor-neighbour's cousin twice removed's ex-wife's sister was Alice Longbottom, so that was a bit of a moot point.

He grabbed a croissant from a plate and took an angry bite from it, leaving everyone to finish their breakfast in silence. Lily and James exchanged nervous glances. Not even Fabian or Gideon dared to crack another joke. Both of them new a werewolf on edge was not to be messed with. Even if that werewolf was the kind, loving Remus Lupin.

It was Sirius' response that hurt him the most, though. His lover's mouth was nothing more than a thin, bitter line. Remus could guess why. Everyone was fussing over Remus to the max. But no one, including Remus up until last night, seemed to think of how this would affect Sirius. Perhaps it was of his seeming strength. Sirius had been through so much with his family and yet he was always smiling and joking. But there was more to him than that.  
That Lily wouldn't pick up on it, alright. She could be the most perceptive of the group but seeing how she loved Remus a lot more than she loved Sirius, that was still a bit of a sensitive point. But James. Surely James should know better.

Remus carefully reached his hand under the table and searched for Sirius'. Sirius squeezed. Back, perhaps a little harder than supposed to.

'Forty-five minutes.' He said and Remus frowned, confused.  
'What?'  
'They'll be here in forty-five minutes. So if everyone stops making such a big deal of this, thank you _very_ much.' Sirius said, quickly downing his glass of orange juice and excusing himself from the table. _Oh._ A few seconds later they heard the shower turn on and the icy silence return.  
Remus was determined not to let the rest of breakfast be as awkward as it had been up to know. He'd talk to Sirius later.  
'So. If you guys would relax now? We all know this is going to be as awkward as fuck, but there's nothing we can do about it. And James, you daft sod. I hate peanut butter and you know it.'  
Where Remus got that magical cheeriness from he didn't know, perhaps Sirius was finally starting to rub off on him, but it worked. Everybody relaxed and James gave himself a slap on the head as he happily started eating the sandwich himself.

#*#

After dinner Remus had retreated to his bedroom in the Order again. He knew he should've apologized for his spat earlier, but found he just couldn't. He would, later, when all this was over. But right now there was too much tension and stress to be nice to everyone. As convinced as he had been earlier that his talk with Sirius had made everything so much easier, Sirius walking away angrily had not made it better. As soon as he closed the door behind him all the fear surged through his body as it had the night before.

Remus sank down on the bed, head buried in his hands, pressing against his skull as if that would make the stress go away. Why was this so disturbing? He was married to the woman for 10 years. He saw her nearly every day for ten years. She was still the same person, apart from not being his wife anymore. It wasn't as if she had turned into a vixen. Not literally at least.. She used to be a sweet woman.. Clumsy and feisty but very sweet and caring. That hadn't gone away because of him, had it?

Why was this so hard? Why? He was Remus Lupin, for fuck's sake. A man of logic and sense. Sure, he was a werewolf and that fucked up his life. But apart from that he liked to think of himself as a calm, reasonable man. Now it seemed he was just outing his frustration on everyone that cared for him.

There was a knock on the door. He didn't answer but it opened nevertheless.  
'Remus.' A voice asked. Sirius.  
'Come in.' Remus mumbled, his voice hoarse with frustration. The bed dented as Sirius sat down next to him but didn't touch him. Remus could feel his hesitation.

´Are you not happy to see Teddy again?'  
'I am. But what if he does not want to see me?'  
'Of course he wants to. You're his dad.'  
'Fuck, Sirius. I missed him so much. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do with myself! Whether I should sit or walk or read a book or. Fuck!' Remus jumped up and started frantically walking around the room.  
´What if she turned him against me? What if she made up some reason I didn't come visit the entire year as revenge for the divorce?'  
'Didn't _she_ opt the divorce?'  
Remus stopped his frantic pacing, waved his hands in the air as if he wanted to say_ does it matter?_ and continued his pacing.  
'How must I greet her? I can't kiss her. Hug her? Surely she doesn't want to touch me. Shake a hand? That's so un-personal. What if-'  
'Remus, calm down!'  
Sirius grabbed Remus by his arm. Surprised by the unexpected force Remus tumbled down on the bed. Only his elbows kept him from falling down completely and his eyes widened as Sirius bowed over him, one very accusing finger pointing in his direction.

'You listen to me! No matter how you feel or think about this situation, it's going to happen. And yes, it will be incredibly awkward to see Dora. Not just for you. I'm scared shitless as well. But that's not even the biggest point! Teddy will be here. A son that had to miss his dad for a year. He doesn't need a father that frets and is scared about how things will be. He needs a dad that secures him he is still loved after a year of absence! A dad that will always be there for him and make the best of every situation, just so Teddy can feel save and loved!'  
Remus was dumbstruck by this outburst of rage.

'Sirius? Please tell me what's bothering you. It´s not just the dad-stuff, is it?' He said and Sirius shrugged, damp curls surrounding his head.  
´I don´t like that everyone seems to forget this affects me as well.´ He muttered, not looking at Remus as if he was ashamed of admitting his worries. But it was Remus that felt ashamed.  
´I keep forgetting how affects you, too. Don´t I.´  
´That´s alright. You have a lot on your mind. But yeah. I guess it stings a little James doesn´t seem to realise that.´  
´I think he does. But he´s known you for just a year and perhaps he is not ready to see you are a lot more than just an amazingly funny friend.´  
´You see that and you've known me for just a year.´  
´But I´m your lover. I´m supposed to see that.´ He wrapped an arm around Sirius and the latter snuggled closer, burying his nose in the brown cardigan.

'You'd make a great dad.' Remus mumbled. 'You really see what a kid needs.'  
'Yeah well. Keep me around long enough and someday I might be.'  
'You.. you mean you'd like to be a dad for Teddy someday?'  
'Perhaps. Someday when I'm a little less immature.'  
'That was some very mature stuff just now.'  
'Don't get used to it. I'm young and I'll live the part. Now. I have it on good authority they'll be here in less than half an hour.' Sirius looked up and as Remus looked down to greet his gaze he saw a little of the old sparkle back in those hrey orbs. 'Now. Do I need to go through some pregnancy-breathing exercises with you here or are you good to go?'  
'I'm good to go.' Remus sad as he rose from the bed and started walking towards the door.

'Wait.'  
Sirius grabbed his arm again, this time in a more gentle manner. Remus turned around, finding Sirius with a cocked head and sad look on his face.  
'What's wrong?'  
'This could be the last moment we're together.'  
'Dramatic? I'm not going to give up on you that easily. Have a little faith.'  
'No. I mean.. before you have to leave again tonight.'  
'Oh.'  
'Yeah.. so..' Sirius shrugged.  
Remus answered as he slowly wrapped an arm around Sirius' waist and pulled him close.

'I can't wait for the day I don't have to say goodbye to you this often.'  
'Neither can I.'  
He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Sirius' lips, savouring the moment. The way his curls tickled his cheek. The soft lips. The musky smell. Everything. Sirius was doing exactly the same.

Little did they know how much this kiss would mean for them both just a few days later.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry it took me so long! I just didn't know how to figure this out. Ugh! Little chapter, I know. But the next is as good as ready to be updated next. I'd like to point out here, as well. I got a few comments on my crooked grammar and words being out of place. English is not my first language and I'm too impatiend to wait for my chapters to be Beta'd before posting it. I hope you'll forgive me ;). **

Remus was sitting at the table, talking over his assignment with Fabian and Gideon. It would be hard not to have all the time he wanted with Sirius before parting, but it was probably for the best. Last year had not been easy and so far it didn't seem as if it would be any time soon.  
They talked about the best place to camp, who should do what (Remus usually did the talking, Fabian and Gideon the head-over-heels not thinking about it too much running into stuff, but it was nice to discuss the possibilities on forehand) and how long it would probably take. They had to procure an artefact from an old ruin in the North of Scotland. Would be easy was it not for the wizard that used to live there.

Truth be told, his mind wasn't with the assignment at all, but that was probably not a surprise. They were sitting upstairs and all he could do was listen whether he heard footsteps. Dora knew how to get here. Apart from that, she was a metamorphmagus. As was Teddy, so a patrol wasn't necessary. She could sneak in whenever she wanted. And apparently, that moment was now.  
He was the first to hear the sound of footsteps in the hallway. Two pairs, one with heels, to his surprise, one light and quick. It came closer and closer. Remus noticed how one by one all the others heard too. Fabian and Gibeon gazed at the door. Lily and James walked towards it. Remus stayed where he was. Sirius sank further into the thick pillows of the couch as if he wanted to disappear. The door handle creaked as the door slowly opened. Remus held his breath. This was it. The first moment since his divorce that he would face his wife again. And his son..

It was weird what the metamorphmagus-stuff did to this moment. Remus expected to be faced with his wife. The woman he lived with for so many years. To see her again, recognize her again. But that wasn't what happened. As the door opened and a woman and a kid walked in, Remus realised they were still in their changed shape and looked nothing like his wife and son. The woman was a lot smaller with white-blonde curls and dark brown eyes. The little boy had the same white hair but sleek and instead fierce green eyes. Somehow it seemed to make it easier. At least for a little while.

Remus, and with him all the other, stared at the pair as the woman put down her suitcase and took off her coat. The boy followed her example and as they placed their coats on a nearby chair, they slowly started changing shape. The little boy, first. The moment he saw Remus he started running and as he came closer and closer his appearance changed. It happened so fast that at the time the boy took a jump and Remus caught him in his arms, it was Teddy again. His kid. His little boy. The heart-shaped face he inherited from his mother but his amber eyes and dark blonde hair.

'Daddy!' The boy cried out as he took a firm hold of his father's neck and allowed to be lifted in the air. He was 9, sure. But this was his dad, come on! And Remus gladly obliged. As he felt that fragile body press against him, all he could do was wrap his arms close around the boy and hug him. He held him like that for a moment before returning his gaze to Dora. She was still the blonde woman, staring at him with her red lips pursed. She looked nothing like the woman he used to be married to, but Remus knew her well enough to recognize it truly was her. The little chewing on her lip. The crossed arms and the fingers of her right hand that were tapping her side impatiently.

Remus put Teddy back on the floor with a _Go great aunt Lily and uncle James! _The boy gladly obliged and Remus returned his gaze to the woman. It was as if time stood still. As if she would never change back. He was scared. Terrified, really. Seeing her slowly change back to the Dora he knew seemed a relaxing idea at first. Now.. Now it wasn't. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. And so he walked straight past her. Right into the hallway, to his bedroom. He slammed the door shut and sat down on the bed. Immediately he regretted his action. But returning right now and apologize felt like an even worse things to do. He didn't want the first thing to happen, the first thing to say to his ex-wife be _sorry_. It wasn't his fault, after all. Or perhaps it was. God damn it. He was a good man. Why did this have to happen to him? He curled up on the bed, pillow over his head. If he could just disappear, right now. That would be wonderful.

Then something inside him stung. He left Sirius behind. Shouldn't he at least go back and apologize to Sirius? But then she'd know. And he wasn't sure whether he was ready for that. Fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

**Last chapter was tiny. I know. It was first a part of this chapter but I thought that would make too many different situations in one chapter and I don't like that ******

I'm afraid there will be few updates from me this month. I'm participating in NaNoWriMo (Google it, if it doesn't ring a bell) and I fear that might take up most of my time. Hope you'll forgive me!  


There was a knock on the door and it opened. Remus flopped on his back, covering his face with a pillow.  
'Please, Sirius. I don't want to talk right now.'  
'No I'm Teddy.' A little voice whispered as the door was closed again. Remus peeked from underneath his pillow to find his son leaning against the door with his hands on his back.  
He turned his head a little as if he was listening if someone followed him. Remus realised Teddy had made his way over here on his own accord and probably did that without Dora's permission. Pride burned in his stomach.  
'Oh. Come here, kid.'

Teddy jumped up on the bed and when he crawled under Remus' arm and leaned in close, Remus felt tears sting in his eyes. He rested his chin on Teddy's dark blonde hair and held him tight.  
'I missed you, Teddy.'

There was a short silence.  
'Why didn't you come visit?' Teddy asked.  
'What did mommy tell you?'  
'Nothing. She didn't want to talk about you.'  
Remus' heart panged.  
'So why didn't you come?'  
Remus swallowed away his frustration, believing a dad made his son feel good, no matter what.  
'It was too dangerous. People were trying to hurt me and I didn't want them to know where you was.'  
'Was it because you are a werewolf?'  
'It was. People don't like werewolves very much. '  
'That's stupid.' Teddy simply stated. 'You are my dad and you are cool. You always do cool stuff with me. Why don't we do that anymore? It that too dangerous too?'  
'Afraid so. I'll take you to do tons of amazing stuff once the war is over, promise.'  
Remus admired Teddy. He was such a smart and understanding kid. Always had been, but still. It was as if he grew so much older in just one year.

'Did you like where you was?'  
'It was okay. There were other kids too. Bill and Charlie. And Gred and Feorge. No. Fred and George. But they are too small to really play with. And I didn't like Percy. I missed going to school though.'  
'_You_ missed going to school? I find that very hard to believe.'  
'_Fine_. I missed my friends. Charlie is cool but he only talks about dragons. School is stupid, I want to go to Hogwarts!'  
'Hogwarts is school too.'  
'Dahaad!'

'Dad?'  
'Yes?'  
'Why did you think I was Sirius?'  
'Sirius is a friend of dad's. I thought he wanted to make sure I was okay.'  
'Oh. Like your best friend?'  
'Something like that.'  
'Well, everyone should have a best friend!' Teddy stated wisely.  
'And who is yours?' Remus asked.  
'You are, silly!'

Teddy launched himself at his father, who toppled over and tried to free himself. He failed miserably though as Teddy started tickling him. As he bowed his head back in laughter he caught a glimpse of Dora. She was standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and lips in a thin, frustrated line. But she was no longer the blonde. His heart skipped a beat when he was suddenly confronted with the woman that still looked so much like the one he married so long ago. The purple hair, heart shaped face and the bright eyes.

'Dora.' Remus stated as he sat back up and pulled Teddy with him, his short hair tousled and cheeks flushed with excitement.  
'Teddy, go play with Harry.' Dora's voice was shaky.  
'Why?' Teddy whined. 'I want to stay with Daddy!'  
'Mommy needs to talk to daddy.'  
'But mom! I want to talk to daddy too!'  
'No buts, young man. Scoot.'  
'Fine. I'll go play with Sirius though, Harry is too small! Sirius is daddy's something like that best friend now, so he must be cool!'

…

'Guess who I just met.'  
Dora closed the door behind her and leaned against her. Remus quietly thanked whatever God it was that made her decide not to come any closer. He didn't answer her question, though, so Dora continued.

'My cousin. Sirius fucking Black. Never met him seeing how my mom betrayed the family and wasn't allowed back and that kind of stuff. Good to know she wasn't the only Black with a straight mind.'  
'Good indeed.' It was a stupid answer but Remus realised damn well his cheeks were burning.  
'He's a good kid, isn't he.'  
'He is.' Remus frowned. Was she going somewhere with this? There were a million things they could talk about but she chose to start off with Sirius. Was that a coincidence?

'Aren't you going to say it's good to see me again or some of that muggle-movie crap?' Dora said and Remus' lips twitched to half a smile. It was such a Dora thing to say. It used to be one of the things that made him like her so much. Now it just carried the bitter tones of a hurt woman.  
'I would love to. But I don't like lying to you.'  
She huffed. Remus wondered why. He never lied to her. He _did_love her, in some way. It just took him a very long time to figure that out that wasn't the way it should be.

'How was your year?' He asked, trying to change the subject again.  
'Boring. Chaotic. It's quite hard to keep your kid satisfied on your own. Though Molly Weasley does one hell of a job being a substitute aunt. Or a substitute mother, at that. How she keeps all those kids in control!'  
There was a little hint of Dora's old spirit in that remark and Remus smiled again, this time fully.  
'She is quite the miracle, isn't she.'  
'She is.' Dora smiled back and for a short moment there was a hint of what they once had, but then her face grew serious again.  
'So. How was your year.' She asked and her grey eyes, so much like her cousin's piercing his. 'I heard the house burned down, Death Eater attack.'  
'Yes. I'm so sorry, there was nothing left to save.'

Dora didn't answer. Both of them knew damn well Dora took everything she wanted to take anyway.

'Where do you live now? Here in the Order?'  
'No, I bought an apartment in London with Sirius.'  
'How can you afford that?'  
'I can't. Sirius can, though.'  
'And he, what? Just asked you to come live with him? What exactly is the story here?'

Remus swallowed. He just told Dora he'd never lie to her. That was not a great move. What was he going to do now?

'I put an add up to rent out the attic so I could afford the house a bit better. Sirius replied.'  
Dora raised her eyebrows.  
'Irresponsible, I know, in times like this.' Remus admitted.  
'Not just that, weren't you a little worried taking a _Black_ in of all people?'  
'He didn't give me his true name. He didn't even tell me he was a wizard.'  
'Remus, that was insane. Everyone could've responded to that add. It could've been another Black and they could've killed you!'

Remus didn't answer straight away. What was he going to say? That a part of him, perhaps, hoped that would happen so all the pain would be over?

'It wasn't a smart move, I know. But I was so confused and I really needed the money.'  
'You could've asked me. I would've lent you some.'  
'How could I? You left without telling me where you went. I thought that was a clear sign you didn't want to see me.'  
Dora shrugged.  
'That wasn't the best signal perhaps. For some part of last year I hoped you were going to stop by and beg me to take you back. But I guess now I know that was never going to happen.'

She gave him a look that made Remus' heart skip a bit. He promised her he wouldn't lie. So he wasn't going to.

'About that... There something I want to tell you. You earn to know. Sirius..'  
'Is your lover.' She finished. There was little emotion in her voice.  
Remus nodded, not sure what he could possibly say.  
'He talked about you the way I once did just then. Even if he tried to hide it. I'm not stupid.'  
She shook her head. 'So he didn't just take you in, did he. You are actually living together. As.. As that.'  
Remus nodded again. He knew what was coming. He was familiar with her fiery character. And indeed. What he feared for came.  
'You've got to be kidding me, Remus. Ten years of marriage and all of a sudden you are into men? Was everything just a joke to you?'  
'No, I-'  
But she wouldn't let him finish.  
'Remus, I swear.' She started.  
'So do I, this isn't-'  
'Al that time I wasn't good enough, just because I was a women. This is ridiculous, Remus. You should've told me. It's probably within my power to-'  
'Dora, be quiet!' Remus shouted. 'Listen to me!'

Dora wrapped her arms and stared at him with a supposedly uninterested look. But Remus knew her well enough to see he startled her with his response.  
'I get this hurts you. And I get the divorce wasn't easy on you. But it wasn't on me, either! If it was up to me, I never would've divorced you! Yes, My life would have been one fucking miserable mess, but Teddy would have both his parents. I would've done that!'  
'Than you should've fought it! You should've fought me!' Dora walked over to him until they were standing so close their noses almost touched.  
'Maybe I should have! Why don't we just get married again, huh? Be one happy little family!' Remus spat.  
'That is not what I mean, don't be ridiculous! But do you even know who you are without him? You went from a man that couldn't love his wife to a divorced man to a gay man just like that!' She snapped with her fingers. 'Is that really what you need right now? Do you even know who you are?'  
'Are you trying to tell me what's best for me? I'm not a child, Dora!' Remus stood up, bumping into the table and knocking over the vase on top of it.  
'No, but you_ have_ one. How are you going to explain this to Teddy? That all of a sudden you went from not loving his mummy to loving a guy! A twenty-two year old guy at that! I'm from a family in which Sirius could've been his brother! In which Sirius could've been your son!'  
'He is not that much younger than you are!'  
'Not that much is still a lot!'

They stood opposite each other, chests heaving with anger and eyes shooting fire at each other. Not literally, but still.

'Look, Dora.' Remus said, trying his best to stay calm. 'I get this is not what you want to hear right now. But Sirius.. I need him. And If you can't understand, then don't.'  
'What about Teddy? How are you going to explain this to him?'  
'I'll find a way.'  
'Well. Good luck. Don't expect any help from me on that part.'

Without further ado she turned around and left the room. Remus waited a few second before he followed. He was still fuming with anger. That was not how he wanted to face Sirius. Or Teddy. He clasped his mouth as he realized how he had been shouting earlier. Had Teddy heard that? Had Sirius? Fuck. Sirius. He had to talk to Sirius.

…

As he slammed the door behind him he looked into a pair of shocked eyes. Grey. And this time they belonged to the right person.

'How did it go?' Sirius asked and the fright in his eyes broke Remus. Dora was right. Did he even know himself? He went from a failed marriage into a gay relationship with a man he hardly ever saw. Now he thought it was the best time of his life. But would it still be if he got older and Sirius would still be so young? Would it still be all he wanted once the war was over and they got to spend so much more time together? What if Dora was right. Could he _really_ be sure this was what he wanted? Who said it wasn't just to make him feel good about himself. That someone so different to his wife wanted him?

'I don't know, Sirius. I really don't.'  
Sirius nodded, his mouth trembling as his gaze altered between Remus and the door.  
'You fought her for me. At least I got that.'  
'Please. Sirius.'  
Sirius stopped talking and Remus continued  
'I can't see you right now, please. Just go home. We'll talk after the mission.'

One would guess Remus would've seen enough classic movies to know nothing good ever came from that last sentence. Yet he said it. The hurt in Sirius' eyes made him feel even worse, if that was possible, but he felt it was the only thing he could do right now. He'd leave in less than an hour. How could he possibly give Sirius a chance of a fair conversation if he'd have to break it up and leave?

Together they walked to the living room where James and Lily were helping Gideon and Fabian pack for the mission. Dora was sitting on the couch. Teddy was watching the muggle tv. He shot a look over his shoulder and smiled at his dad. But then he caught his mother's glare and averted his look to the television again.  
It was then that Remus realised Sirius hadn't stopped walking. He could hear the familiar footsteps going downstairs and he realised he made a stupid mistake. He left everything for what it was and followed it, hastily.

'Sirius.' He called but there was no answer as the footstep continued walking. He followed them quickly and ended up in what used to be the backroom of the library. The place where the secret entrance was. The same window he had thrown Sirius through one year ago. A move that saved his lover's life.  
'Sirius..' Remus started again but Sirius raised his hand.  
'We'll talk after the mission.' He said, mouth a thin line. 'I'll be home.'

And he stepped through the window and left.

**Thought I should dig a little in what kind of father I guess Remus would've been. Somewhere between slightly uncomfortable and very loving and joking is my guess. Yours?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Another chapter! Sorry it took me so long! I was participating in NaNoWriMo (which I wasn't able to finish, unfortunately) but I'm all yours again! I'd like to point out, once again. English is not my first language and I'm too impatient to wait for someone to beta my stories. So you'll just have to take them the way they pop out of my head and hands. Thanks! **

Remus had jumped through that window as soon as Sirius had. It was stupid and unsafe, but he did it without thinking. He made a big mistake and he had to set it straight as soon as possible. Preferably, right now. His feet landed on the little bit of sidewalk that was considered safe. Useless, though. There was no sight of his lover. It seemed Sirius had disapparated as soon as he jumped through the window. To their apartment, no doubt. Every muscle in Remus' body ached to follow, but he knew he couldn't. There was a war going on. He could not let his personal life afflict his work for the Order. No matter how much he wanted to or how much Sirius deserved it. Priorities could save and cost lives at this point of time. And Sirius would still be there when he returned.. Plus, these few days gave him more than enough time to think up one hell of an apology. Because he knew Sirius would be insane to just take him back like that.

Sure, he hadn't called him names. He hadn't hurt him physically. But he _had_ been selfish and incredibly unfair. Sirius had only offered him a changed to relieve some stress from the conversation. And what had Remus done? He'd send him home with the horrible _we'll talk when I get back. _That was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He was now sitting on the windowsill, on the inside of the store, trying to regain the guts to face the others. With one hair he whipped his hair out of his face, realising damn well how foolish he had been.

The past year hadn't been easy on him. On Sirius. On anyone he knew, really. But that was no reason to be so careless and selfish as he just had been. Love was pretty much the only positive thing one could find these days. And now, when he finally found a love he could answer.. How could he have been so careless. They parted in anger. That was just horrible. It was never easy, but kissing someone before you left gave you an extra reason to be careful and to be back as soon as possible. Now they would both spend days lingering in anger that would just build up with the possibility of made up conversations these days would give them. He knew that every single second they'd spend apart, was another second he'd have to spend in making up to Sirius. And what if he never made it back? He'd leave Sirius with a horrible memory.. He didn't want their parting to go like this. Fuck.

He had one hour 'til he had to leave. He knew he had to go back up and get ready. But how could he face them after his horrible display of egocentricity? As if his pain was the only pain that existed in this world? Because he was sure the rest had heard their little chat. It was only a few feet from the living room, after all.

After a few more minutes, he pushed himself up from the windowsill and walked back upstairs with a deep frown on his face. He was glad that once he was there, no one decided to talk to him. Even the Prewett twins were too occupied with packing their backs (something they always did last minute) to bother him with stupid jokes. Remus sat down at the table and buried his hands in his hair. If only he had enough focus to apparated to their destiny. Or were they going to take a portkey? He couldn't even remember…

A soft tick awoke him from his frustrated thought and when he looked up he found a game of wizards chess on the table and his son sitting opposite him. He didn't speak, that little Teddy. He just made the first move and silently waited for his father to answer with another move. And Remus did, with a smile of gratitude. He was glad that at least one person in the world seemed to understand exactly what he needed. And so his last hour before going on a mission he now dreaded even more started.

Most of that time he spend playing that game of Wizard Chess with his son, which he was sure Teddy let him win. He was a very considerate kid that saw something was wrong with his dad. And Remus was very glad this was the way he got to spend the hours. Because mind you, even though Teddy let him win, it wasn't an easy match. The boy was good. Clearly inherited his father's brains. Though, of course, Dora wasn't stupid. Just clumsy. So it was that 45 minutes later Remus won and Teddy smiled as he cleared the table. Remus realised his son knew exactly that this would give him some ease, which it had. Perhaps not seeing him for an entire year hadn't left as much frustration and distance between the two of them as he had foreseen.

The remaining 15 minutes were spend by taking his backpack, only packed with the most necessaries things, his coat and bidding everyone goodbye. A big hug for Teddy who pretty much leaped in his arms. A quick hug for James and Lily and a kiss on little baby Harry's head. Dora got herself a gaze, but that was clearly all she was willing to return as well. Then the Prewett twins pretty much literally escorted him downstairs. Just outside the window where, only an hour ago, Sirius had left in anger was an old boot. _A portkey after all_. Remus sighed, relieved. He had been afraid that his current state of mind would get him splinched. But this would probably work out for the best. As the portkey started glowing and Remus took hold of it, the familiar tugging behind his navel came and then they all disappeared. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Here, because I've neglected you people for so long. **

They landed in a forest. As soon as they landed Remus started putting up the protective spells as the Prewett brothers bickered over how to put up the tent fastest. A few meters away from them was a little stir as the protection spells from the previous group disappeared. It was a routine by now. So much of a routine that Remus no longer paid attention to the spells he was casting. It was always the same spells. Over and over and over until he was sure it would be enough.

'Cave Inimicum.'

'Protego Maxima.'

'Fianto Duri.'

'Repello Inimicum.'

'Repello Muggletum.'

'Salvio Hexia.'

'Why, that is very fascinating. But I doubt it'll do much when it comes to protecting us.'  
'What?' Remus stared at Fabian, who motioned with his eyes to what he was seeing. Remus snapped his head back and was greeted by… Bubbles. He filled the forest with big, shiny bubbles.  
He just stared at them. How did that happen? He hadn't used that spell.. Well no. That wasn't true. He used to use it when Teddy was small to entertain him. But he had used it once more to decorate the Christmas tree Sirius was so keen on having. Not that long ago..

With a quick flick of his wand he discarded the bubbles. They disappeared with a saddening pop and he raised his wand again to continue his routine of spells when he felt a hand on his arm. It was Fabian, one eyebrow quirked.  
'Why don't you let me do that, ey? You go and join that buffoon in putting up the tent.'  
Remus nodded, grateful this important task would no longer be his to fail and he made his way to Gideon, who somehow managed to get stuck with one tent pole up the leg of his trousers and through the armhole and another one through both armholes, causing him to look as if he was pinned onto a huge cross. He gave Remus a stern look as if to forbid him to laugh. Luckily for him, Remus didn't feel like laughing anyway. He freed him from his odd cross and started putting all the bits in the right places. When it was done he stomped into the tent, unimpressively slamming it shut. He picked out his usual bedroom, magical tents had many, and started unpacking some stuff. Not much.

They'd only be here for a few days. But it could never hurt to have some things at the ready. A book. Some essence of Dittany, a bezoar, a small range of potions. And of course, a small bundles of scribbled detail about their mission. He carefully placed them on the table the way he did each and every time. Always in the same order. Always. That way he could be sure that if they were in a hurry, he'd always get the right potion. This time he checked three times, naming everything out loud. This was clearly not his best day and if the bubbles were just the start.. Well. He did not want to be responsible for something happening to the Prewett twins. 

When he returned from the room, the twins were roasting some sausages. On a fire _inside_ the tent. They loved camping but they had a very refreshing view on how it should be done. Remus joined them and gave Fabian a face as he handed Remus a raw sausage with some ketchup. Nevertheless he took a bite. Every now and then, raw meat was the one thing he could find comfort in.

'So. Stake out. Not my favourite.'  
'And quite hard to do from within a tent.' Remus said, giving the brothers a stern look.  
'It is raining!'  
Remus gave them another look, then walked outside, pulling a hood over his head to protect his face from the worst of rain. He was never one to wear hoodies but Sirius convinced him everyone should at least own _one._ And it _had_ turned out to come in handy during missions so Remus promised himself to never again forget it. Right now, it felt wrong to wear it but he was nevertheless grateful to be reminded that Sirius had improved his life in many ways.

He positioned himself against a tree and made himself comfortable. These were boring missions and hardly dangerous, but important. This path, hidden quite well, was a rather unknown passage to the Malfoy Manner. The Malfoys were known for their pureblood mania and this path was often used by their followers. It was filled with Muggle repellent spells but apparently they were sure no one else knew about this passage as the Order, at least up until now, had still been able to set up camp and keep an eye on everyone passing by. There was always at least one person camping out here. The people that had disappeared before Remus and the Prewetts appeared were, if he wasn't mistaken, Marlene McKinnon and Kingsley Shacklebolt. Everyone knew why they went out on stakeouts together. But they'd return with valuable information so no one complained.

As said, these stake outs were often boring, but useful. More than once they had witnessed kidnapped muggles or Mudbloods being dragged through these woods and more than once had they been able to save them. Of course that had to be done carefully as well. It would be too suspicious if they'd turn up _everytime_ someone got caught. But they'd make notes and attack every once in a while. It was a method that wasn't able to save every single life, but enough.  
This day turned out to be a busy one. Within an hour of Remus' shift a bunch of followers, no necessarily Death Eaters, return with about 8 or 9 people, Remus wasn't sure. He made as many and as detailed as possible notes as he could. These were the things they'd bring back to the Order and people like Lily and Dorcas would start comparing them to missing muggles and halfbloods. It sickened Remus to see one of them was but a little girl, probably around Teddy's age. There was blood in her hair. He hoped it wasn't hers.

Nothing more happened after that and a few hours later Fabian stepped out to take over his shift, boasting about how lovely the weather was. There was indeed a bit of sunshine now. Remus cleaned the leafs of his pants and walked back into the tent. Gideon was playing a game of Wizard Chess with himself and invited Remus to join, but Remus politely declined. Instead he withdrew to his bedroom and flopped down on the bed. Something he had been doing quite a lot lately, it seemed. He just needed some time to be alone with his thought, though. But he didn't get much time for that as he fell asleep. The nightmare he always had occurred again. But this time, just as it had done the previous night, something had changed.

_'So, why a roommate in a house like this?' Sirius asked when he had re-found his usual guts. 'Divorce.' The man grimaced. 'Why renting a room in a house like this?' __'Got kicked out.' Sirius shrugged._

_'Why are you so kind. Why didn't you kick me out after.. Well. That certain display of affection.' 'Ah. That. Well.' Remus grimaced. 'I've seen enough hatred in this world to not want to be a part of it.'_

_'Have you know for a long time?' Sirius finally broke the silence. 'I am not gay!' Remus shouted, throwing his cup of tea on the ground. It shattered to a thousand pieces in the very literal breaking point Sirius was looking for._

_'Allow me.' Sirius shouted over the deafening rain hitting the streets. Remus turned around. He had to squeeze his eyes to prevent the rain from blurring his sight more. When he finally seemed to realize who it was shouting in his ear, he almost dropped his bag of groceries. 'I'm sorry.' Sirius smirked. 'You look like you've seen a ghost.' Remus recovered quickly and smiled. 'Not in quite some time. Left pocket.'_

_'Should I kiss you now?' Sirius whispered. Oddly enough not in the voice he knew could drive men crazy. It was just a whisper, a soft murmuring of kind words. He leaned in a bit to ensure Remus knew he meant it. 'Yes.' Was the reply he got and his heart skipped a beat._

_'But he is so young!' Lily pressed. 'You can't just run head of heels in a relationship with someone that much younger than you. You hardly know him. Just thinking you are in love shouldn't be enough! Especially if with your problems!'_

_'Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?' He shouted. Never would he be proud of this moment but he shouted. Apparently he had jumped of the couch and was now staring at Remus who was staring back at him. 'Sirius, calm down.'_

_Sirius stormed towards the door, hearing Remus shout in his wake. 'They are just junkies!' But it was no use. He slammed the door open, crossed the street without looking. Several cars screeched and there was some shouting but Sirius ignored them. 'Who the fuck are you guys and what are you doing here!'_

_'Get out!' It was fiercer now as he turned around. There was a fire in his eyes and it startled Sirius. 'Why? What have I done?' 'Don't think I don't know who you are! Christ. Have they send you here to spy on me? On the order? How could I have been so stupid? I can't believe that was your secret.' His fist hit the doorpost, hard. Sirius stepped back._

_Sirius! Sirius, stay awake. Please.' Remus cradled his torso, tapping his cheeks. 'You'll be alright. Don't die on me. Don't you dare die on me! Lily! James!'_

_It was followed by the weird addition he had had last night._

_Sirius was sitting, tight in a chair, gagged. His eyes big as he stared at Remus. Remus knew for sure because he wasn't in his own body. Instead he seemed to watch from a distance. It was a dark house in a dark room in a house, old and extravagant. A jet of red light made its way to Dora but it never got there as he jumped in front of her. The jet hit him in the chest and he saw how he fell to the ground with empty eyes._

Sirius, still tied to the chair and gagged, screamed his lungs out and started wriggling, trying to free himself from the chair while someone erupted from the shadow. Bellatrix.  
'Oh my.' She giggled as she patted Sirius' shoulder and stroked his hair before grasping it tightly and pulling his hair back. 'This is quite the interesting family reunion, isn't it. The bitch, the pup and the dirt little werewolf that fucked them all.'

'No!'  
Remus shut up, breathing heavily. He turned towards Sirius and for a moment he was in shock as Sirius wasn't there. Then he realised Sirius _couldn't_ be there. He was on a mission for the Order. He was sleeping alone. Sirius was at home. Safe and sound. He slowly rose from the bed and made his way to the front where Fabian was now playing with exploding cards. Remus made sure the stay as far away as he could. How long had he been sleeping? He hadn't missed a shift, had he?

Apparently not, as Fabian just waved a piece of paper towards him.  
'Well well. Look who's awake, mister I caught them bring in a whole bunch of them. Well, good for you. But _I _got something spectaculair. A bagged man! Imagine that! They kidnapped someone and put a bag over his head. Must be quite the someone, huh.'  
'Good for you indeed.' Remus mumbled as he started making himself a cup of tea. Only the Prewett brothers could be happy about catching someone like this.  
He sat down on a bench far, far from the cards and sipped from the hot cup when Gideon walked in the tent. Well no. It wasn't really walking. He more or less ran inside, seemingly out of breath despite the short distance.

He swallowed and looked up to his brother and Remus, waving a piece of paper in his hand.  
'Gid, what's up?' Fabian said. The Prewetts were jokers, but they could read each other like no one could. If Fabian was this concerned, than something was going on.  
'Mission is canceled. We're asked to go back to the Order straight away. Like, right now.'  
"What, why? Who's orders?'  
Fabian snapped the letter from his brother's hands and scanned it.  
'Are we sure this is real?'  
'Felix brought it..'

Gideon looked at Remus with a look of doubt in his eyes.  
'Gideon, what's going on?' Remus asked.  
'Nothing. We should just go.'  
'Gideon..'  
'Nothing, really. Nothing big. It's just that..' Fabian said, trying to fill in for his brother.

'Tell me!' Remus screamed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Funfact: Did you know the dutch name for Dumbledore is Perkamentus? Which would literally translate back in something like Parchmentus. Hermione's last name is Griffel, which would translate in Slatepencil. But no worries, Harry Potter is still Harry Potter :P**

Fabian clearly hesitated but eventually scraped his throat.

'Sirius has gone missing.'

An icy cold struck around his heart as Remus grasped the letter from Gideon's head or whoever it was that was holding it and read it. As comforting as Dumbledore's handwriting used to be, right now it was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen. It felt as if a thousand knives cut through him.

_Gentlemen,_

To my regret I have to inform you one of our members, Sirius Orion Black, has not been seen nor heard from for two days. The family Sir Black comes from and the unfortunate events from last year, leaves us concerned about his whereabouts and wellbeing.

Your presence is required at the Order of the Phoenix, immediately.

Albus Dumbledore

Remus read the letter over and over. It was true. Sirius was missing. It was all his fault. All of it. He could have.. He should have.. Why didn't he! Then something dawned to him..  
'Two days..' He mumbled, then frowned. 'I slept for two straight days?'  
'There was no waking you up.' Gideon said.  
'Yes. And be grateful we took over all your shitty shifts.' Fabian added.  
'_How did I sleep for two days!'  
_Remus was seriously confused. So much that for a moment he forgot the content of the letter in his hands. He had been tired, sure. That's what the war did to everyone by now. But to sleep for two straight days without waking up _once_. That was just ridiculous. Something moved in the corner of his eye. It was Fabian, shuffling his feet like a guilty little kid. Remus lowered the letter.

'Fabian..' He said, his voice slightly threatening and interlaced with frustrations that he had momentarily forgotten about.  
'It was an accident, alright!' He said, backing away from Remus. 'I was making a tower with exploding snap cards. It kept failing so I wiped them from the table and well.. They _may_ have exploded in your face. Hence the two days knock out. And..'  
'And WHAT?'  
'And the eyebrows..'  
'My eyebrows..?'  
Hastily Remus whipped out his wand.  
'Accio mirror.'  
Dumb because the spell chose to send him the big mirror from the bathroom which he only just caught before it would've shattered to pieces in Fabians' face. Something that would've been an acceptable alternative once he caught eye of himself. His eyebrows were gone. Completely gone. He looked ridiculous.  
'We tried growing them back but the cards are magical so.. I don't think it's possible.'  
'I look ridiculous!' Remus shouted and the twins cringed. Then Remus saw the letter, still in his hand, crinkled between him and the mirror.

'Fuck, that is not the point! Remus tossed the mirror aside, luckily it landed on the couch and Gideon flicked it back to the bathroom with a short gesture of his wand. 'Where is Sirius? What happened to them.'  
'That _kind_ off was missing means, Sirius. They don't know.'

Remus´ heart seemed to turn to solid eyes. He had been selfish. _We´ll talk when I get back._ What is that would never happen? What if he would never see Sirius again? His stomach turned. What if it was his fault Sirius got caught.. They had to go back. He had to find Sirius. Right now.  
'We have to go back! How do we go back! The portkey isn't due for another day and we can't apparated this close to the mansion! Are we gonna walk? We don't fit under the cloak. We can't fly. We don't have any brooms.'  
This was his fault. This was all his fault. He had to do something. He had to go back. Fuck. He had to find Sirius! Then something hit him. Literally. Remus stared at his feet to find a fluffy old cat toy.  
'Portkey.' Gideon nodded. 'Dumbledore sent it along.'  
As soon as Gideon was done talking Remus picked it up and walked outside. The twins got the hint and rapidly started packing everything. With magic, this time. To make sure it was done as fast as possible. Just in time, ´cause when the last tentpole disappeared in the bag, the cattoy started glowing.  
Remus took an even firmer hold of it. As did Fabian. And Gideon. Three full grown man holding on to a cattoy as if their lives depended on it.

Who knew. It might as well have been that way.


End file.
